So, whilst it may or not be obvious to the casual observer, the avoidance dance I’ve been doing around ØV is becoming untenable.
After years of wanting to start this I thought all I’d need to do was just make some stuff, list it, promote it. But .. it’s not been quite as straight forward as that.
Right now I feel like I’m back at square one, facing a wall I don’t quite know how to get over, or around, and I'm not gonna lie it’s pretty depressing; which in turn makes me avoid it more and more in a vicious circle of decreasing momentum.
There are external factors as well, I’m still unable get my twitchy paws on any adhd meds due to the shortage and whilst I have some reservations about taking medication, there is no way I can deny that it had quite a massive positive impact on my executive function. We are also in the process of selling our house, which is a first time occurrence for me and whilst it’s pretty straight forward so far, there is a lot I’m unsure about, a few things which I’m struggling to get sorted in terms of making the house sellable, and if nothing else ...The Waiting..
JFC I’m am *awful* at waiting.
I hate complaining. I’m a 'bottle it up, stiff up lip, full of useless English reserve' kinda of person; but I have mental health issues and they impact greatly on the things I love doing. I don’t want come across as one of those people who just appear to be constantly morose, or hard done by, because I’m neither of those things on a day to day basis. But when my depression and anxiety impact my ability to create my only other outlet is to write about how I feel. Sometimes the clarity of being able to see my thoughts and feelings written down enables me to create a path through the undergrowth, but sometimes it just makes me feel better to not have them constantly swirling around and around and around my brain.
I’m also beginning to understand that the feelings of guilt and shame which make up my general sense of self aren’t helpful and they just weigh me down. I sometimes think that self flagellation is what I deserve for my lack of forward momentum (and sometimes just for having the audacity to merely exist), especially considering all that is going on else where in the world but, I mean, who am I? Do I really think I’m some sort of benedictine monk, for fucks sake? But even though I am becoming more self aware, there is a deep void between the things I know on an intellectual level and then actually being able to apply them on an emotional one; it takes a long time for these things to percolate down.
So my current goal is to try and work out another approach to how I work. One that actually allows me to continually create because at the end of the day that's all I want to do and it fully breaks my heart when I can't, even more so when I know it's only me who is in my way.
Ok, that's enough for today. Thank you if you got this far, I hope the picture of my glorious pooch was enough of a reward.